Hi Evilregalreginafan - your description of the situation between you and your partner sounds like it has unhappy aspects, yet there was love. 19 years is a long time to have a relationship. It's unfortunate that A seems to feel victimized, but for her maybe things were unpleasant for her - so it might be that she doesn't feel validated or heard or understood when someone else wants her to forgive (maybe it's like jumping ahead too many steps for her - and she's not at that point yet, not ready yet). That's great that you have not been treating her badly for the last few years, and that your temper & drinking are also less. That sense of calm that you crave without fighting - it is possible. These sound like some of your strengths now - that you want the calm, and that you phoned her, and that you are aware of your feelings of sadness right now about the thought of your relationship being over, and that you appreciate your cats. That peace and quiet is to be valued. I remember in the past when my sister and mother were picking on me (and my mother started pushing me, and my sister was threatening me) - so I left home - with the result that I felt great to be away from them both (and I slept beautifully while carrying on with other important aspects of my life - yet saddened still that they would treat me so horribly). As for the possible loss of your relationship - consider the stages of grieving that you might be going through - might be shock/disbelief, denial, anger, bargaining, guilt, depression, acceptance, hope (and these can occur in any order, without specific time limits - there's no rushing the process) - it takes time. So allow yourself this time to grieve. It is normal to feel this way. You can find happiness, so be gentle with yourself. It probably does feel good for you to be able to say that you have not been insulted or demeaned in days. Suggestions - allow yourself time, come to the forum whenever you might find it useful to have someone listen (well - you know what I mean).