I might as well have posted that. Feeling the same way. If there weren't factors beyond myself holding me back... because see, I could never die with the fact that I might have triggered someone else's... I don't know where I'd be. But even being able to consider it, and go over scenarios in your head, and to feel actual physical pain because of it... that's bad enough in itself.

But herethennow, you are not a failure. From what you've said before, academically, you're not. And as a friend, at least on here, you are most definitely not. We are not failures or successes in ourselves; it is what we do that is either successful or not. And even then, one can find success in failure. Look at science: it relies on failure and falsification to progress, ironically enough.

I admire you for being able to reach where you have, feeling how you have been. That takes a strong person.