In my introduction post (Newbie, here for an introduction) in the New Members forum, I explained how I'm basically, financially destitute & I have no one to go to. My father is well-off, but won't help me anymore because he helped me pay my bills after I got a divorce 6 years ago. I was in college when my divorce came up & he wanted me to finish school so I could get a decent job. Well, I was a wreck & couldn't get through school. I had trouble finding a decent job & took whatever I could find at the time. My father eventually cut me off & hasn't helped me since. I have struggled since then, living week to week, day to day & always paying my bills late, including my rent, which he co-signed on when I moved into my current apartment because my credit was/is so bad. I'm currently about to lose everything, but I can't go to my dad because the last time I asked for his help (my car was about to be repossessed for late pymts) he claimed all I ever want from him is money. He is my father & I love him, but our relationship has always been strained. So, I had to ask him for money again. That certainly doesn't mean that's all I want from him. My dad is a 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' kind of guy & doesn't believe in hand outs. He also knows I'm so broke that I could never pay him back...at least not anytime soon. So, I haven't asked him for help since (3 years ago) & I'm scared to death to go to him now. (Back story, my parents divorced when I was 2, he left town for work when I was 10, & we just never got close.)

I work a job I hate because I can't find anything better & I'm not surviving. It is literally making me so hopeless, I'm suicidal. This isn't anything new & I did attempt suicide 6 years ago during my divorce. One of the reasons, I'm sure my father helped me. My January rent is due ($1000), my phone bill is due by Friday ($200) or it will be turned off. My cable/internet is going to be turned off in a few days ($200) & my car insurance is due to be canceled by Jan 15th is I don't pay $180. My checking account was closed on December 24th because it had been overdrawn for more than 30 days so, now I'm in Chex Systems & can't get a new account. If I pay off my overdraft ($800) by Jan 24th, the bank will let me re-open my account. If not, I'll have to go to one of those 2nd chance banks like what is at Walmart.

Anyway, I have no one to go to. I'll never be able to come up with almost 3K this month & I feel so hopeless. I realize the cable/internet isn't important, but I do have a teenager at home. I have a great boyfriend who has helped me in the past, but I refuse to go to him again because I don't want to be that woman, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be a burden & again, I feel like such a failure. I don't want to be a desperate woman who needs rescuing. He lives out of town & currently has his own financial issues to deal with. I am 42 years old for pete's sake.

I've had a plan for the past few months which involves suicide this summer. My son will be out of high school & hopefully, going to college. My plan was to move out of my apartment when my lease is up & into something cheaper, but I don't think I'll be able to get approved because my credit is destroyed. Now, I feel like I should just end it all. I don't see any change in the future. I literally have $100 to my name which I've been holding onto for gas & food this week. My boyfriend & I have talked about me moving to where he lives this summer, but again, I don't have any money & I don't want to be the woman who needs to be rescued. How attractive is a charity case?

Anyway, I am completely lost. I feel like I can't even talk to my dad about my situation because even if I don't ask for his help, he'll assume that's why I'm telling him about my problems. He'll just get mad & tell me to get my act together & learn how to manage my money better. I've tried telling him it's not about managing my money, it's about not having any money to manage. He's never been in my situation. He had a great career, retired at 55, & received a huge inheritance from his mother.

I apologize for the length of this post. My situation involves a lot & I have no one to talk to. By the way, I do go to counseling every few weeks although, lately I can't afford it. I am also on an antidepressant....which does help. My T says I need to call my dad & ask for help asap. She says that's what he's here for & she doesn't think any father would want to see their daughter suffer. If he has the money, he should give it to me. You can't take it to the grave. Unfortunately, my dad doesn't think that way.

I also have a grapefruit size tumor in my uterus which causes me pain & I need a hysterectomy. I have no health insurance & can't afford to take off work for the recovery time. When I told my dad about it, he said, "let me know how that works out for you". Seriously.