I'm wondering if anyone can relate to this?

Lately (past month or six weeks) I've started to feel a real change in myself. Largely thanks to therapy, I don't really believe I'm utterly worthless at my core in my most private thoughts/ feelings anymore. This worthlessness really took hold of me in the last few years after my mother died. Before that I certainly has doubts and pain and problems to do with various things, but not all the time, it was far far less when I had my unwavering life force of my mother at my side. So, I've kind of got back to that point I suppose, and feel able to keep rooting out the damage.

So in one way I feel great. Strong again. Less panicky. More certain that I can do with my life the stuff I want to do.

But in another way I am really sad.

I've spent YEARS of my life floundering. I have many memories that I treasure, have done a few things I am very proud of, but I feel I lived it all the wrong way. Wasted so much time. It feels like so much of my struggle was needless, if only I'd had the right support or love or whatever it is. All I have achieved is immensely important to me, because it felt/ feels so hard to do it, but in reality my achievements are extremely modest and humble.

Also, my T is truly wonderful. But again I find it sad that I had so failed to be lovable in 'real' life that I had to seek out a stranger to help fix me. Having somebody be so good to me is awesome, and I know she cares. In the real world my close friendships are blooming, however, when I have a relationship as intense or intimate as the therapy one (like with my birth mother, or a romantic partner) it always goes wrong. So I'm scared therapy is kind of like an intravenous drip, making me feel wonderful and nourished and strong - but it can't always be there. Nor would I want it to.

This post is pointless I guess. I don't know. I'm obviously happy to be feeling better, but just sad too. I can't seem to genuinely accept how things were. I suppose I think, oh look, I wasn't worthless after all, so why had I myself and so many other people fooled that I was?