I dont know where I should post it but I guess it might belong here .

I dont feel depressed I am just ...I am trying to understand my thoughts better ..

I am almost all the time in a numb state .. I just wait for the next thing to happen ..and time to pass ..

I dont remember when it was the last time I was genuinely happy . I really forgot how it feel not to worry about something
Even if I receive some good news I am happy for a short while then I go back to my state ...Of course I laugh at jokes or a good movie but this never lasts ..I really wonder how happy people feel ..
I am constantly thinking that there are people suffering around the world and that upsets me ..I am jealous of other s people happiness ..not because I am not happy myself ( Or is it cause of this ? ) but I just think while this people are happy some people from another place are suffering constant pain , betrayal etc .

Also I am trying to keep a positive attitude about my future but there are many times when I think i should just would go into a coma or accident and then be left unable to move or something ( maybe this is a excuse so I dont have to try and fail ? )
I dont trust people and my only real friend is very far away .. so im just left around me with people that I dont really like or that I consider very immature or dumb ... also I guess they feel that and they dont call me as often as before anymore ( they were calling me much often before I started ignoring them a bit )

I imagine having a nice relationship with a girl , but for some reason I also imagine that she will cheat me and I ll end up doing something to her ( I keep loyalty in high regards )

Sometimes when I drive I get high boosts of energy and I drive very dangerously ( but I do feel totally focused when I do this , feel like nothing can go wrong ) , once that energy ends I feel nothing again .

Also I noticed that All that I wrote above happens when I am alone with my thoughts mostly .

This is it for now , I will come back later If I remember something