Hey, Twister. I love this topic and I'm glad to share some thoughts with you on it. Maybe they'll help. But first...

I am a Marine...a combat veteran. I have horrible PTSD, as do a lot of my friends. A lot of those friends are daily pot smokers. It works great for them, helps them manage their symptoms. It only makes me more anxious, paranoid, and depressed. Like any other drug (including the anti-depressants and anti-psychotics that so many of the people on this site use) it works better for some than others. My guess is that there's probably a reason why your clinicians have never made an issue of it...and that's because it seems to work for you. Just make sure whoever is treating you knows about how much you're smoking so they can factor that into your treatment.

About connection: We have dual natures. It's part of the human condition. We have an innate need to feel a sense of complete connection to another human being...but the reality is that that connection can never really occur. There's an epistemological disconnect...a fancy way of saying you can never really get inside the head of somebody else and they can never really get inside yours. You're always separated, but always craving that impossible connection. Pretty ****ed up, right? It's a confusing thing to realize, but understanding it can make a huge difference in how you cope with those feelings. You might be trapped withing the prison cell of your own mind...but you can still approximate connection...like tapping out messages in morse code through the walls. You can still find kindred spirits in those other cells to help make it easier to bear the existential isolation that is a basic part of being human.

You are alone. We all are...but in a weird way, we can share that isolation and make it easier to bear. You just have to tap on the walls of your cell. Just like you did here. I heard you.

I, like you, have had suicidal ideations since I was young. Very young. I live with them. They're just part of my life. You said you don't trust your therapist. That's a problem. Maybe find a therapist you do trust or talk to the one you have about that issue...establishing trust. You need to be able to talk to them about the ideations so they know how to distinguish them from intent.

I get the exhaustion that comes with feeling alone. Keep tapping out messages. Even if you have to start with something like this...just writing. We're social animals and we get sick when we're isolated...no ********...Google it...research what isolation does to human beings. You gotta get those messages out. Hit me up if you need another one of these.

Peace.