I read somewhere that everybody has thoughts that they don't want. Sometimes those thoughts are suicidal, but because they are thoughts, they are not action. I will admit to my doctors that I have the thoughts, that they disturb me, but that I have no plan or means to enact a plan.

I do get the idea though because I'm afraid to get into details about the pain these thoughts have on me. When they hit hard, it's so painful that I just want the pain to stop. I'm afraid if I get into that level with my providers they will push me to a hospital.