Not great for a "partnership"? She could be controlling because she is anxious and her mother was the same way (I have problems with that :-) but I do not like that she does not seem to be trying to adjust her behavior or showing any worries that it is not behavior she feels good about?

She does not sound very mature, blaming you for what is not how she likes it. You are not in charge of doing things her way/for her, that's her job. There's no appreciation of your help, no dispassionate feeling about "laundry", hardly something to scream about? It sounds like her emotional thermostat is very broken and I would not want to live that way either, were I you. I would start being more assertive (as you have with insisting on counseling) and less trying to make-nice and do things her way; you can't "win" and figure out her responses in advance, they aren't rational and it does not sound like even she is in control of them?

You cannot let another adult treat you as you are allowing her to and keep your own emotional/mental health good. When she says something ugly, you have to let her know your boundaries don't stretch that far, if she does not talk in a normal tone of voice (no more screaming) you will not be able to stay and listen to what she may have to say and discuss it with her (and then, when she screams, you immediately announce you cannot interact with her right now and leave; it is the same as if someone is being ugly on the phone, you tell them respectfully you cannot talk with them right now and hang up). If she cannot adjust her behavior to live with you then, as you say, you cannot take it any more and you have to call it quits. She is supposed to be working as your life partner, not your mother or as if you were her enemy.