I've been feeling very, very depressed and anxious for about a month now. So I've had social phobia for a decade. I've made VERY little progress. I struggle leaving my home, STILL, after all this time. I cannot handle crowds, STILL; I cannot handle waiting rooms STILL; I find it hard paying for things in shops or announcing my name and appointment at the doctor's. STILL.

I went to the doctor's today, and the waiting room was torture. 3 people my age chatting and laughing the whole time, then a young couple my age, both groups sat right near me. A family came in with a big pram and I wondered how I would go through to the room with that pram in the way. I spent the whole time trying to look "normal" and failing, trying to avoid looking at the people that I found intimidating, with my hands sweating and my heart racing and my foot tapping. I had to get out of there. When I was finally called, I got up and pulled my jumper down, feeling as if the people my age could see something on my jeans that I wasn't aware of and laughing, or perhaps laughing at my posture or my awkward walk.

I'm in CBT, and I have a lot of tasks for the upcoming weeks. I'm TERRIFIED. Even when I'm not around people, I feel as if I'm made of cotton wool. I have NO backbone, no self esteem, no confidence, and I'm OVER-sensitive. I feel like a delicate daisy. I imagine people commenting to eachother about me, whispering about my appearance or the way I come across. And when I imagine this, I blush, avoid looking in their direction, and feel so weak. I feel weak all the time. People scare me so much, it's like they are lions and I'm a lamb... they will rip me to shreds and I can't defend myself. Why am I such a wuss? I've always been a wuss.... my whole life. At school I was very shy and very sensitive to criticism, and people were horrible, especially about the way I looked. Needless to say I did NOT deal with it well, and I have never learned how to deal with it. Why can't I be strong? Strike that, normal? Other people do not crumble to a trembling wreck around fellow human beings. They get on with it, they live. They have nothing to fear from others. Why must I?

I'm so tired. So tired of it. I am completely trapped. I don't work, only leave my house once a week or less. I want a LIFE. I want to go out without feeling like I'm going to be torn to shreds about something. I don't want to be a wuss anymore.