Quote:
Originally Posted by Grey Matter
I lost my brother in August of 2012. A few days before my birthday.
After that, he was all I ever really thought about. Missing him, hating that he was gone, etc. It consumed me. I then understood as I was growing that I was beginning to "let him go". Because it felt right, and it felt safe to do so. Before I knew it was safe, I panicked and didn't want to, but I did.
Recently, I've realized that I don't think about him as I did. This is obvious to those reading this because as I said, I let him go. But I guess I didn't really compare how I was thinking to how I AM thinking. I feel as if I am being terrible because my thoughts wander. I don't think about him as I used to. I feel like I am just a horrible sibling because how do you think about anything else?
I don't know what to think of myself, really. I am trying to accept it but it's eating at the core of me.
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Wow, Grey Matter. I lost my only sibling/sister when I was 24. I'm 66 now. I ask the same questions, in fact I just lost a 16 year old pet...one of the longest relationships of my life...the guilt of having him put down because he was old and a damn nuisance, is consuming me and I have realized that ALL the people and dear, dear pets I've loved and lost...no matter how long ago...my dad died when I was 15....are ALL living in my flippin' head! It's gettin' mighty crowed and there is no room left for 'good' thoughts, healing, or anything worthwhile. In the past, when I was somewhat healthy, I answered the problem by keeping busy, distracted, exhausted. I literally almost smoked my self to death. It's not working any more. I am dysfunctional because I can seldom concentrate on little else.
It dawned on me yesterday that I'm hanging on to ALL of them, because it's all I've got in my little world and I'm dreaming of second chances. To get them out of my head would be admitting that they really are ALL gone and there is NO making up for my mistakes and things I should have done.
The thought of them not being there is almost more overwhelming than all this grief. I've heard all the 'let go' stuff. What if you don't want to let them go, even if it hurts hanging on....I don't know who I am without them.......self punishment for the guilt of not being better in all those relationships?? Probably. You let me know if you figure this one out, because I don't seem to be able to. It will destroy everything in your life....I am NO good to those left that I love...and there is very few of them left.
Not sure what I'm going to do about it. I realize I have to do something. Soon.