what the heck!!!!!!!!
i just posted somehting and all that now deleated!!!!!

o.k . from the very begining
i understand your hard circumstances.
and b4 i write this post i want to say that i am not juding and critisizing you in any way!
i just wanted to say that -

"to stop but part of my problem is that I disassociate very easily and often SI at these times. I don't open up very easily either (usually), and find it SOOO hard asking for help or ringing a helpline when I start to feel this way. Coz I don't open up, things build up inside and I need a release. "

is it becasue you don`t like being vulnerable?
or becasue you feel that you are being/showing yourself as weak if you aks for help?
it seems to me like that but i DON`T KNOW i can only assumle it is so. you may have your won reasons....
but you know,,in the end we all want what is good for us.

i think part of the probelm is that as much as we HATE it- we also LOVE IT! if we don`t like it particulary then why we do it? there are "adventages" for this-to release stress like you said.
i know from my experiace taht physicial excercise are a good way to take out all the negative energies you have!
and especially if you do ALITTLE more than you think you can-you will feel pain. and it`s natiral-not too much
i wanted to tell you that if you can stop for a year and more than you can stop forever-i know it`s NOT that easy! i know!
but i know also that we don`t know what powers we have.
we are susally unaware of them... we are much stronger than we think we are.
and i believe in you, if it matters......

**you can ignore my message if you don`t like it.
i just wanted to encourage you a bit! **