I wish that I had called the cops when my (now ex)husband threw a couch across the living room. I wish I had left, or made him leave rather, then instead of waiting several more years. Mine didn't physically hurt me, but was angry a lot and made everyone walk on eggshells and still has the kids under his control. He got pushier with sex even though I couldn't stand him, to the point that he raped me and I spent three years sleeping on the couch because I couldn't sleep in the same room with him. I didn't want to lose my kids and my animals, or harm them by putting them through divorce. So he got to call the shots and decided to throw me out when I was at my most vulnerable and unable to support myself. I didn't figure that I deserved any help or was eligible for a women's shelter since he hadn't hit me or anything, so I wound up homeless, sleeping in my car, for a month. He said that I never did anything for him and all that I deserved was my "car payments and student loan payments." The divorce decree says that I was supposed to get half of our belongings and joint custody of the kids, etc., but the kids lived with him since I didn't want to deprive them of a home and I couldn't provide for them, and I was banished. He decreed that I was not allowed to exist. The kids think that he needs them and are reluctant to spend any time with me and leave him alone for even a short time.

My point is if you wait, he can call the shots and get whatever he wants. If he is throwing things around, he is intimidating you and clearly in the wrong, which at least gives you some leverage. When he is always making a big deal that you are wrong about everything, it isn't about right or wrong, it is about power and control just like when he is throwing things. If he keeps you off balance and questioning yourself, he feels powerful. What would happen if you did and said the same things that he does? There is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I found it in the library. It defined all of the patterns, and looking back, now I can see it. You are deserving of support, and you can go to a women's shelter if you feel unsafe or need help and someone to be on your side. This is a cultural problem. Our society still justifies unacceptable behavior, and you might find that some or most people - police, friends, etc. - don't give support the way they should. I had someone I thought was a friend who told me that my husband didn't rape me because he was entitled to sex. She was mad that I left him, and supported him in isolating me from my children, and also refused my calls after telling me earlier that she would always be there for me. But there are people who get it. It isn't perfect, but you can start now and develop a safety plan and decide what you want to do. Your husband may or may not ever change. If he won't go to counseling, go to counseling for yourself, for help with how to deal with this situation and finding the appropriate resources. Maybe he will decide to join you eventually, or maybe not. But you will learn how you deserve to be treated and that you have options.