Quote:
Originally Posted by someone321
So when I was coming yesterday, I felt like I do not want to trust him anymore because I had the feeling that whenever I put my guard down, he hit me in the weakest point, and I gave him two examples: (POSSIBLE TRIGGER)
1) I do have a great relationship with my parents and for last three sessions he tried to convince me to blame them because they did not manage to protect me from the abusers (they did not know about anything) and he did not say anything bad about my abusers but he said many not very nice things about my parents. In my opinion, even if he thought so and even if something of that was true he should not tell me something like that just before Xmas especially as he knew that I'd go home, meet at least 3 of my abusers and my parents are the "safe base" for me...
2) We missed the appointment, I guess it was a simple misunderstanding, I wrote down a day and hour (maybe wrong) but I read all dates a week earlier and he confirmed by saying "right" so it was not only my fault but when he did not show up and I sent him an e-mail, he responded that we were not supposed to have any meeting and when I disagreed he said that he's sorry for not making himself clear enough... And I felt like he punched me because two weeks earlier I had told him that the worst thing which happened to me last year was that I missed the doctor appointment and I could not forgive it myself, and I was pretty ill for two days etc. And this time I felt (maybe wrong) that he used that situation and really wanted to write "you have already messed once, so probably it's your fault again"...
So I do not know if actually I had a rational reason to not trust him... So he had to explain me some things, like for instance for me when I told him some things about csa, he only commented "when you were talking about it, I was feeling sick" - I told him that I may understand it as I make him feeling sick, and he actually confirmed that sometimes it might be correct (sic!). For me it was the lack of empathy (he could have said e.g. "this what happened to you made me feeling sick"), while for him it was sign of huge empathy because he was feeling sick... He said that I just wanted a pity not an empathy... He also explained me that he doesn't tell me this what I should hear (I really thought so!) or he doesn't think what might be the impact of his words on me (example - see point 1) which really surprised me because I always think about the possible influence of my words  He also said that he thinks that I was angry or disappointed at him because he left me for two weeks break (Xmas holidays), I didn't think so but how can I judge it?
Based on this what I wrote, did I have a reason to feel his lack of empathy and my lack of trust or was I just overreacting?  |
Well in my view whether you trust him or not doesn't have to be based on anything rational, and I don't think it's something you can choose either, you will just either trust or not. A persons intuition and gut reaction is far more reliable than trying to make sense of things in a rational way, because for example, if this T had some hidden agenda he wouldn't be advertising that to you but it might be something you pick up on intuitively. So I guess my true thought on this is if you don't trust him deep down you need to go with that and assume you are right.
In those scenarios, #1 does sound bad and confusing. Confusing because I wonder what his agenda is, I wonder if he was stressed about you going home and concerned for you. Xmas does seem like a crazy stupid time to drag up that though, and a T shouldn't be counseling you into worse relationships! On the missed appointment, that is funny. I wonder how often this comes up. I really doubt he was trying to tell you that "you have already messed once, so probably it's your fault again." It's just my gut feeling that worry is coming more from you than something a T would be thinking, and even if you did mess up it shouldn't be a big deal. But, again, you are going to be the best judge of how he says things because even if you get the words verbatim, the delivery of them can give a whole different message. On the feeling sick comment, I agree, I think that was a insensitive. He should know better, because the way he said it sounds like he cant handle hearing about it, vs. showing empathy and opening up the lines of communication further with you. It could be he said it the wrong way. I hope things work out or you find someone better.
Oh, and if he really doesn't think about the impact of his words on you then that is definitely not good because I thought this was what T's did.