Oh yeah, I've tried so many things...I've also had group therapy multiple times, hospitalization, and I've had a bunch of different people work with me in there, a couple social workers, multiple psychiatrists, 2 therapists... ugh. I've considered ECT and Ketamine injections. ECT sounds too risky for me, Ketamine isn't risky but its really way too expensive for me at $750 a shot with no insurance accepted since it's considered experimental.

The problem is, I've been through so many side effects too. I've pretty much destroyed my short-term memory being on the meds, and mostly the whole zombie thing. Also the back and forth suicidal thing. The thing is that my memory is starting to improve ever so slightly just from going off of the meds, and I like that. I should not be having memory problems at this age, pfff, what the hell am I talking about I shouldn't have any of the problems I have at my age.

Ok, let me tell you about my recent experiences:

I think I have thoroughly confused my therapist, poor her. I feel bad.

Previously, she referred me to a specific psychiatrist. So I did what she wanted me to and went to him and he basically told me it was all "mind over matter" in some other wording. And he didn't believe that Bipolar was even such a thing. I don't know that much about Bipolar but no one ever diagnosed me with it. I've been diagnosed with: Major depression, anxiety, social phobia, OCD, ADD/ADHD, eating disorders and dysthymia. I really did not like where he was coming from, I'm not even sure how to describe it. He's right, but I feel it's something I will never truly understand. I didn't like his attitude, though, so I quit going to him. So I left there with still the "meds or no meds?" question. I just flat out told him, "I think I am going to try going off of meds completely" and he was perfectly ok with that. I was like "I'll call if I decide to go back on", - yeah right...

So here I am. I don't know what I need, but I don't think meds work on me at all.