I had a tough session today, so I'm just going to process it a bit here. Feel free not to read this. I put a trigger icon because it might be triggering for some. This is terribly long, but I need to get it out of my head in some organized fashion.

He had a definite goal for me today. Now that I am through the insomnia problem and headed back to pretty stable, he wanted to talk about using my skills to deal with things that are potentially triggering for me so I don't get triggered in the first place. He believes that when I forget to use my skills and end up triggered, I set myself up for depression.

That led to a discussion of exactly what triggers me. I realize that when I feel guilty or feel accused wrongly, that sets me off in a heartbeat. For instance, when my son was hospitalized last year, all my mommy guilt buttons went off and it started a spiral into a bipolar depressive episode that eventually landed me in the hospital a few months later. We talked about how I felt terribly guilty, but there was nothing I had done wrong. I have no control over my son's depression. I needed to have kept the depression and behavior problems as his stuff and do what I needed to do to help him without placing undeserved guilt on myself.

He wanted to know where my guilt issues originated from in my life, my history. Ugh. He had to go there. Yuck. It was a no-brainer. I felt responsible, for instance, for the divorce of one of my abusers because I spoke up. Stuff like that. He started asking why the wife had stayed with the abuser even after she knew what he had done. We talked about her lack of self-esteem, the man's charismatic personality, etc.

It came down to a situation in early childhood where this same woman had been left on her own. At that same period of time, I was first abused by a completely different couple. I was about 5, and I realized if I had been where she was, I would have been safe (sorry for being vague, but I want to protect her privacy).

Well, at that point I started crying. I don't think I have ever put those two different abuse events together like that. There is a connection. T feels very strongly that I need to share the early abuse with the woman as we are close now and this secret is getting in the way. While everyone knows of the later abuse, I have kept the early abuse a complete secret. While I crying, I told him that I just can't tell anyone what happened. Why? It's my secret and has to stay that way. I don't think others can handle the information, and honestly, I'm not sure I could handle the telling.

That's when he said something that really threw me. He said, "What you went through was horrific. I only know one other person who has gone through such terrible abuse. I truly do understand where you fears about sharing that information come from." We went on to talk about what could be said and what could be left out, etc., and I left the session okay.

It shocked me that he said that because I had often minimized my experience, and at the same time it was very validating. It says my struggles with recovering and healing from my abuse have been completely justified and understandable. It says he truly sees how what happened me caused such trauma and fear.

He wants to me to keep thinking about telling someone my story. I don't think my mind will change on that one. Too many people could be hurt, and I can't have that on my conscience (which is that guilt thing I realize).