I'm not optimistic this year.

I'm wishing more than anything that I was one of the beautiful people instead of one of the unworthy troll people. My mind is filled with unworthy troll thoughts of envy and resentment and if I continue to dwell on my unworthy troll thoughts, I doom myself to a terrible life. But I can't get rid of those thoughts.

My ED was supposed to help me become a wonderful person. I see books and articles about anorexics and they all have such wonderful lives. They get straight A's, they have zillions of honors and awards and achievements, and everyone loves and admires them. Even their weakness seem like high accomplishments. Imagine people thinking that you are so smart and talented and popular that they tell you that you can relax -- that you've earned the right to relax. I'd love to have that life.

But even after my ED, I don't have it. I'm not good enough to join their world or have all the good things they have. I'm still stupid, lazy, unaccomplished, old and alone. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe I'm just too defective and I'll never deserve those things. I can't do anything except think about food. My writing career is completely derailed because I'm spending all my time writing instead about how I wish I could be as smart, talented, and perfect as the girls I read about.

I hate myself so much for not being as good as those girls are. I hate that I'll always be inferior and that I'll never have the life I want. I understand that it's no one's fault but my own. I made terrible choices: if I had only done the things that those wonderful girls did, people would like me just as much. How can I stop wanting to be one of the worthy people? (And, I am very sorry, but telling me that their lives aren't that wonderful doesn't work? I simply don't believe it.)

Thank you for your patience.