I don't have much to say now, I am seeing that I lost quite a bit of weight bout 15 lbs. I'm always angry and feel so sick emotionally, idk because my symptoms causing this and hurting my cognition. I am retrogressing mentally some days or many days how I was as a 6 year old child of myself and remember some very horrible repressed memories. I wished I had still forgotten. I have extreme fear this will happen again and lose my reality plus my body, I don't want to be a vegetable and when it comes down to the end. I will make a will sometime soon if needed to have me kill before I can't make any decisions. I hate it so much, and would rather die painless than having no control of my body or brain and be dead alive to suffer to the end. I am also bitter because of this relationship more of a friendship with this girl, I really love, but can't have enough time to ever see her once and or experience feeling a stable romantic relationship after being abused by all m ex's and other people throughout my whole and now on the verge of losing it all without my say or control. I hate to admit it, but my life sucked. I hate having to hear I did so much for people, when they just use me and my kindness to rub in my face. I got no human dignity left and what I will have if do on my last will included, be cremated and have my middles fingers pointed to the sky for my last swear on the world. I know it doesn't sound so cool, but I seriously have no patience anymore to wait for these doctors to tell me you're not doing well, because I already know that. I don't know how ill or how terminal or whatever. I want to hope, but I am not able to put my energy to hope if I have a chance to get or redeem anything. I lost it all, I am only 20 have the brain and wisdom much farther than most any human, because I've seen the worst in every person. I don't fall for stupid games or fake kindness. I was always the bad boy and take control and charge I will not have my body have it's way and let people use my dying body as they will for a toy. I will not tolerate it, I truly believe I was disrespected my whole life. I try to make up and take any responsibility only ending up being to hard on myself. Trying to please my mom, dad, sister, family,friends and people I care bout, but what I get in return indifference pretty much my impact has very little and the fact my dying wish was not going to be fulfilled well. I can care less what happens, I accepted death inevitably I became a not so kind person, because I was expected for too long for things I cannot handle. I am sorry, I don't even deserve this existence it was wasted on petty things. I just wanted to excel before I crash, didn't even get off the ground. Yeah I can do that now, even with that I don't much of a chance. I hope I can make whatever this year brings me the best, because when I go I go. I don't care nor do I want to be sad, I don't want people dragging me along their crap before I go. I think I need as last dying wish to be at least respected for once as a human.