I know I've waited for over a good 8 or 9 years and put off grief counseling
I need it more than ever, because I just want this off me before anything else happens. I cannot damage myself worse, because I want to be alive long enough to tell this girl I am close friends with I love her a lot and want her to understand my feelings I have told her and actually see and be with her at least once. Also keep on enjoying my life as what I have now, when I am not on here. I usually vent on this site, but I am usually very positive and happy all the time outside of the internet. I do have other things that medically and psychologically the best minds in the world are baffled by my symptoms. I have either been told with the stress I go through and torture, I should of been like most people and killed myself long ago when I was an 8 year old boy, but no. I knew something good would come out of holding on I still do. They also say that, they are baffled by my hallucination and schizophrenia type symptoms, because I never did and always told by a lot of doctors either psych, neuro, or whatever I don't fall under any category of a specific mental illness and they only pick the general stuff for me, because they don't know. I am getting clinical trials so I have to keep my grief back then to help sort out my very frightening hallucinations I've been plagued with my whole life and caused PTSD in me. I don't seem like what I see in most inpatients I went through as a young teen. Haven't been in the hospital in 4 years, but what I know as for a fact. Most of the time, I have a lot deeper and stranger symptoms than mostly any patient they have seen or I have met. I just knew my whole life I was much more unique and different mentally than every other person on this earth. I am vocal bout things, but it's damn near impossible to describe this, what bothers me bout it. It has affected my whole life and it is crippling and has gotten me in trouble unintentionally in grade school. I would end up screaming in class out of terror of the hallucinations that follow me and I would actually not say hallucinations, I am actually seeing entities or people I don't know who they are and what they want would randomly follow me from school to home and anywhere else everyday and I hated talking bout it, because I don't want to be considered with some hallucination category. I think it's a harsh term for me, because I haven't made any of this stuff up as a kid and pretend it goes away. No it hasn't and still stays with me, but now. I don't see them anymore like I used to, but know when they are around me so I question the hallucination thing again. It's an anomaly for a lot of the medical team not because I am usually told that you aren't special there are tons of people who have this. I find out that they are constantly lying to me, and they have admitted that, because I am too smart for my own good. I am very intelligent and have a very high IQ and would be much more intelligent in anything if I chose to do so in which I know my own capabilities and have used them. Just some things are harder to answer for me, and that's what they don't know and they know I am not making up some crap and believing it so they think I am trying to be crazy. No I am crazy, because this **** won't leave me alone since diapers and I want to know why. It has came back when my health is getting worse and it's very frightening I will not describe it, because if anyone had a full perspective and imagination of understand of what this is, you probably kill yourself for how scary it is instantly. It can easily break anyone, and I don't mean that out of some exaggeration, like it's very crippling physically and mentally and it's definitely not for faint heart to go through. That's why I am only going to be careful how I want to say it to the research people, I know they heard it all, but this is much more terrifying than death itself. I have had a lot of near death experiences, comas, and my body stopped working I actually thought it was more peaceful, but this no no no no. No human should ever go what I see through my eyes and go through I don't care who you are. No words can describe it. Sorry I am going to sleep and trying to keep myself rested I am exhausted night.