Quote:
Originally Posted by feralkittymom
So, if I'm understanding, it hurts you to keep this secret, but fear and guilt keep you from revealing it? Is the fear and guilt reasonable? By that I mean, would it violate a value you believe in to tell? Is that what the guilt is about? Is the fear from the past, the present, or about the future, if you were to tell?
I never revealed my abuse publicly, nor confronted my abusers. I had no reason to believe anyone else had been or would be at risk, so I saw it as a private matter. While I never forgave my abusers, I also didn't feel any purpose would be served for me to engage in such a confrontation. I was able to heal sufficiently through therapy, and I just didn't see any gain to telling beyond that. It sounds like your T believes keeping your secret (I still don't like the word as it seems shame-based to me) is actively hurting you and putting you at risk. Is there any way that you can hold to your decision, but with less fear and guilt attached? I hope so.
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It is advanced guilt (for lack of a better word) for what revealing this information might do to the people who hear it. I'm not convinced they can truly handle it, nor do I want my parents who are in their 80's to have to hear it. They deserve some peace at this point.
I did reveal abuse that happened when I was older because the abuser was a family member to whom I was exposed on a regular basis. It was a physical and mental safety issue. The family handled it not terribly well. They weren't horrible about it, but they made some tactical errors that took me awhile to get past. I've pretty much healed from that abuse situation.
It is the early events that sometimes come back to haunt me a bit which is a bit strange as the memories are in bits and pieces (but confirmed by the daughter in that family) and I feel really, really removed from myself as that child (or maybe that is the reason it still comes up from time to time). It hasn't been a constant, big issue; it just comes up like it did yesterday in the context of something else.
T knows my reasoning for keeping this to myself. I know his reasoning for getting this out which is that he really feels it keeps me constantly separated emotionally from my family and he sees it come up and result in pretty high consequences for me at times. He's right about that, but it isn't persuasive enough to change my mind. So we have been at an impasse over this for several years. Again, he doesn't push; he just reiterates from time to time.
Honestly, that wasn't the part of the session that got to me. I've heard that before. It's old news. It was pretty much everything else that came up. It isn't very often that some new aspect/angle/connection about my abuse comes up anymore. I've been over and through it many, many, many times. Yesterday brought up something new that caused a significant emotional reaction. I've had those kind of responses many times over the past 30 years of therapy, but it has been a great while since it has happened.