Sorry, I feel like I'm spamming here but if I don't write it somewhere I'll get crazy... So I saw T today, and everything was ok. Unfortunately afternoon I started thinking... And I realized that even if I was sure that I remember everything - it was not true and today worst memories started coming back, one after another and they actually change everything, like they put my world upside-down, really... Or maybe it's just my sick imagination... I don't know, I am so confused that I even don't know what was real and what not and I hate myself for it... I want to see my T so badly and there is a chance that he has a free spot tomorrow as primarily we were supposed to meet on Fridays since this year... But I can't ask him for it... Last time, when I asked if it's possible to meet sometimes between sessions or write to him, he said that I should be able to survive from one session to another and the relationship with a T is like a relationship in the real life - I have to get used to the fact that I cannot reach him whenever I want...

But does it apply also for such emergencies? Or maybe I am not in emergency as I do not plan to do anything stupid - just these terrible memories... And tomorrow I have to pick up my diploma and there will be a big ceremony and the party afterwards and even normally I hate crowds but now I even cannot imagine going there... But I have to, I promised... Would be nice to wake up tomorrow with a terrible flu...