I am not sure where to begin and I really do not want to make this long. But first, a disclaimer- please keep this in mind.
I am CURRENTLY seeing a Psychiatrist and am on Medication (bupropion XL 300mg and Ativan .5 as needed (I rarely take the Ativan. On average, once a week; sometimes twice a week and sometimes never- I am well aware of the benefits AND the potential dangers of this drug)). She has diagnosed me with Panic Disorder, Severe Depression, and GAD.
I don’t agree with this diagnosis (the panic disorder one), and believe I am suffering more from Borderline Personality Disorder.
I always feel very emotionless. Unless it is anger, irritation or sadness, I seem to be able to feel those. Sometimes I feel so “unreal” I do not even feel the things I am physically touching with my hands. Like I do not exist, or that I am in a movie. It is a very weird feeling- kind of like myself and the world are “made up”. I KNOW I love my family and my boyfriend, but I do not FEEL love for them. I do not feel anything for people, except guilt. I feel guilty for people, and I try to buy every homeless person I meet a hot meal.
I don’t want to do things. I have no passions. I have no hobbies. I have no interests. I have no friends (I mean, I have two very close friends- but I even disconnect from them). I cannot “connect” with people anymore. Anyone. At all. I always think people hate me, are lying to me about everything, and I can get pretty damn mean.I used to be so social and loved being the center of attetion- now I really don't want to socialize (but I am not scared of it).
I wonder about dying and suicide. I think it’s just a fascination with death, honestly. I think about suicide, how it would feel, if people would be sad, how weird it would be that everyone else’s life would move on without me. But I do not WANT to die, and I don’t feel like I would ever do it. I just wonder about it and am curious about suicide. But I also am curious about murders and things like that. I need to say, I am NOT planning on hurting/ever wanting to hurt people. Like I said, it’s more like a curiosity- what is it like to be shot by someone? What is it like to shoot someone? What is it like to shoot myself?
I worry about having every mental/physical disease in the book. If my house creaks and my boyfriend does not hear it, I automatically convince myself I am schizophrenic and am hearing things. If I am feeling unusually chipper, I convince myself I am bi-polar. My heart is beating too fast- cardiac arrest. I have had multiple normal EKG’s and cannot convince myself I am okay. I am scared of all sorts of medications, and refuse to mix any medications period at all. If I take Tylenol, I cannot take ANYTING else until it is completely out of my system (I just suffered through a cold because of this).
I zone out. HARD. Most of the time I snap out of a daydream, and did not even realize I had been daydreaming. It happens all the time- in the middle of conversations, watching TV, in the shower… I find it hard to read books because I cannot focus on them anymore. I end up in la-la land. And the zone outs are TOTALLY weird and random. Almost like dreams- people flying, situations that would never happen, etc.
I come from a long family history of mental illness/cardiac illness, including multiple suicides and heart attacks. I don’t want to worry anymore… I want to be normal. I want to feel like I LIVE inside my body, like I own myself. Instead I just feel like a body… Not like I am occupying one. I want to feel love again. I am not in an abusive relationship, I have a great job, own my own house, have pets (I am a 24 year old female).
Can anyone offer some insight? I have been discussing these with my Psychiatrist… My therapist just up and left, so I need to find a new one. Am I alone? I am scared to discuss the suicide and murder with my pdoc, I don’t want her to think I am, well, crazy.
Anyway, I am "normal". I function daily, have no issues at work, am able to function socially, and have no social anxiety at all.