I need help...I have had two major deaths in my family this year...in both cases I have been an outsider because of the sick family dynamics in my family of origin.
Since I was very young I've been the scapegoat for all the anger, bitterness, and hate they have. Mainly because my mother presented me that way to them in the stories she would tell them. And because she beleived in when I was very young that I was mentally retarded. In those days of ignorance, that was some kind of open season to ostrisize and abandon...or maybe it was just for them.
There was quite a lot of abuse and neglect and by the age of 16 I'd been sexually abused since I was 11 by an older sibling. Unfortunatly at 16 I chose to reveal this to my family. Instead of support I got rejection, and my mother defended this brother and still does, I will never know acceptance and love from my family.
After my grandfathers death my family didn't invite me to the funeral because the abuser was coming.
My father died today and I'm on the outside again, he and my mother seperated when I was 4, when I turned 20, I found him and tried to create a relationship with him, unfortunately, he has a number of major mental health issues and our 'relationship' was affected by that.
My biologicals, mother, grandmother, aunts and uncles all discouraged my relationship with him, and gave me a lot of pressure to not continue, including not coming to my wedding and reception because he might be there.
My mother is so skilled at lying and manipulation she has everyone beleiving that I was the problem all these years and made her life hard, and that I somehow was the cause of every misery she experienced, even when my stepdad sexually abused me and she saw it, she turned it into me trying to steal him...that was when I was 15. She never forgave me, as if I needed to be forgiven...and to this day still blames me for it. And for him leaving...
I have to get away from these people...its killing me.