i dont want to be a zombie

ive been compliant for 6 months now and they keep upping the dose. the reason they up the dose is because i was in the hospital 1 time. ONCE and that was because i called the suicide hotline because i was upset with the quality of my life.

to be honest not being able to get up and do things. ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE is not helping me recover. its keeping me in the same place for actually more than 6 months. ive been on the injectable for 6 months but i was taking tablets months before that.

i told the suicide hotline that i was depressed because i couldnt get out of me bed and do anything and wanted to end it all.

im tellling you right now. try being on 100mg of haldol and do anything.

the only reason i can write right now is because my injection hasnt kicked in just yet. and ive been using this time to compromise with them and its not worked.

my mom wont help. so forget that. shes a deadbeat mom.
my dad cant help.
my sister lives near canada on the other side of the country. shes got her own life.
and i have no friends in real life to support me.

i mean i actually need my family to help me not friends who arent part of my family unit but thats not gonna happen. im alone in this.