So I had a very hard, but maybe good, session tonight and kind of wanted to share a thought I had....

I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, appearing strong and in control is a part of my problem, because my T doesn't know I'm hurting as deeply as I really am. And maybe I didn't even really (consciously) know how deeply I am hurting (?) but I'm feeling it now and have been for the past couple days. It's gotten to be a pervasive hurt and it just radiates from inside my chest/stomach. Like when you need to cry - only no real tears come to release it.

Anyway, I'm wondering if this could possibly be true that I have some choices during a session:

Option #1: I act strong and with very little need. I act fine. I sometimes convince myself I'm fine. So maybe the natural T response would be to treat me like I'm fine. He might try to get underneath the facade, but I snap back and keep him locked out. Then maybe there's nothing he can do. He might even start to treat me like I'm fine when I try to leak a bit of the pain out and then his mis-attunement stings and I lash out again.

Or option #2: I try not to push my feelings away and I sink into them. I embrace them. Even if there are no words. And my T can see my pain and feel my hurt. So he can be there with me. He responds with compassion. And if I don't push it away, I might be able to feel it and it might help in some way (?)

Thoughts?