I think the biggest part of my insight is more that maybe my T isn't maliciously hurting me the times he says or does things (or doesn't do things) that hurt....I don't know how to explain it well, I'm sorry.

It's more that all my life I've felt that everyone leaves - they hurt me- and deep down I think my theory has been that it's because there is something wrong with me. I'm weird or defective or just strange. I can't deal with people. So I hold myself in because it's too painful. SO painful.

But during session yesterday, for a moment, I saw that maybe my demeanor is also impacting the way things go sometimes. I'm not blaming it all on me, but it made me see that maybe I have more control or more of an impact on things than I thought I did.

Not sure this makes any sense. It's not meant to say this is for everyone or even that it's necessarily a good thing for me lol I was just wondering if it was something that had meaning for me or not and trying to get feedback. Thank you for all your thoughts on the matter