I'm safe, had the time to calm down a bit.
So when I arrived at my T's office she was running late, nothing unusual with her, so I didn't think much of it.
After half an hour she asks me to come in and warns me that as she tried to cramm me between two appointments she's only got 1/2 hour. I understand the reasons and can live with that. At that point I was just thankful to be there.
But then she proceeds to tell me that she hasn't read my letter yet, and that she's going to quickly read it. At that point is was p*ssed! I mean I specifically told her I didn't want to be present when she first reads it! And I gave it on monday night, she doesn't work on tuesday and thursdays... I called her on wednesday for the additional session. I mean that's 48 hours advance notice. And she didn't find 10 minutes to read my letter!!!

Well she starts reading it, and after the first page (out of four), says that this is going to use up too much time, and we're already limited as it is. Well duh! that's why you were supposed to read it beforehand! so she says she realizes I do that as good as I can. And tell her that since that episode on Christmas my flashbacks are much worse at night and I can't really handle them.
Her response: this environment is so invalidating, you really need to move out!

Gosh T, we talked about this for months! I KNOW i need to find a job and move out, even if you don't believe me i TRY to do this. But it's so hard... what I needed tonight was some short term help on how to get through these flashbacks, not another lecture on how I need to find a job and how I'm too attached to my family...

And on top of that she said it's my choice whether I want to turn my life around, or count on her for emergency sessions whenever I'm struggling too much. But that she's not sure how long she's willing to do that... So basically she threatened to terminate me if I don't get a job and move out.

This is the first time in the two I've been seeing her, I've asked for any extra support, I never called her, even not when supposed to, I never asked for an extra session or anything. And this is what I get the one time I allow myself to be vulnerable...