i don't like it :-(

i thought i had it worked out. shame. that was what it was. the pain was a defence against unregulated shame. fine. i could deal with that. kinda. kinda semi sorta. mention it right at the end so we don't discuss it and fine. i can talk about that. kinda semi sorta.

but i don't like this :-(

i didn't much like Kohut's first book to start with. but then in attempting to summarise a take home message it grew on me rather. the kind of narcissistic injury and disorder of the self that he was talking about... grew on me rather. i could do that.

then the Schore book. about avoidant attachment and ambivalent attachment. fine, i could do that too. the pain is a narcissistic defence against shame. fine.

but he didn't talk about dissociation and trauma and disorganised attachment in the book. wah! i don't like that :-(

i don't like it at all

:-(
:-(
:-(

(the pain can be pain. isolation. despair. or just pain. that was what i thought it was. pain. but dysregulated emotion could be it. isolation. pain. what is the difference? grief. i used to wonder if it could have been that. pain. i don't know)

i hate not knowing.

i hate confusion. confusion. confusion where nothing makes sense. where there is no order to the world. where every hypothesis fails to adequately predict. where you never know where that next horrible feeling is going to come from.

better to retreat to the crystaline purity of logic. whether the world is tropes or universals or particulars at base. whether grue's problem of induction means there is no such thing as a 'line of best fit'. no. scrap that last one... better to retreat to a world of no people and no feeling. %#@&#! the embodied rubbish cognition needs no body and a computer can be programmed such that...