I sort of gave up it for the holidays because i was busy and also the messages I was getting were lame and now it's so cold I don't really want to go out...also I might just give it up forever....It was fun and I really liked being touched but I'm not sure I'm getting the right emotional connections with people. I think it's very hard to kiss and touch someone you don't love at least for me...I mean I was really attracted to that guy that I had trouble kissing but it's like that wasn't enough the attraction I mean and he was really nice so I was both physically and emotionally attracted but it just wasn't enough for me to really want to touch him. I mean it was interesting but I wasn't getting turned on by it unless he was touching me. I was only mildly nervous so it wasn't even anxiety. I'm just convinced I process emotions differently. When I was psychotic I felt a different kind of love I had never felt before. I was telling friends and family that I loved them...which I never do I had this sense that I never wanted to lose them. I enjoy them but I don't have that same sense of love that I did then. Honestly it makes me feel I am missing something very important. It's not that I don't actually love people but I don't get to feel my love for them. I remember when I was a kid fighting with my sister and my mom was like I know you don't like her right now but you love her right? I was like um no why would I love someone who's hurting me? That of course is not what I said because I knew I would get in trouble if I said I did not love her but I was neutral to negative in my feeling for her. We buy each other gifts for the holidays but we have no real connection at all now because we are so different. I would still help her if she needed help but more from duty than love. So anyway I'm not sure dating is going to work out for me and I'm not sure it would be fair for the other person if it did...