Quote:
Originally Posted by A Red Panda
Yeah, see, as you're still struggling with basic hygiene, that definitely shows a skewed perspective, right?
"Doing something nice for your body" does not mean having to do something you enjoy. Sure, that would be preferable, but it means taking CARE of your body. Which, for you right now, would be basic simple hygiene like taking a shower, brusthing your teeth, combing your hair, wearing clean clothes, etc. For me, "doing something nice for my body" would mean making sure I'm eating healthy, start exercizing, floss (I hate flossing with a passion), and goes as far as to include going to hairdresser to get my hair dyed. Oh! And I've gone to the doctor this year about a stomach problem, and recently went to see a chiropractor (absolutely terrifying for me, but I am trying to take better care of myself).
I think that for you, the preoccupation with sex is a problem because you avoid everything else with it. Am I right? You view your body as only good for having sex, so you don't take care of it because you aren't having sex. You couldn't enjoy the massage properly because you couldn't separate it from a sexual act. Am I close with those?
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I don't know. I've never actually (consensually) had sex or even kissed anyone. I don't see myself as anything anyone would want to have sex with. I'm also scared of having sex so taking care of myself might make me more attractive and cause people to change their minds about that and I really REALLY don't want attention. I don't know if I would take care of it even if I were having sex. I might hate it even more or just be super reckless about it.
I didn't sexualize the massage because I viewed it as an act of mothering, not sexual. If she were not a woman, it would be different. I also don't think I avoid things with it. It's just the only thing I can really remember to do. More like if the only thing I remembered to do was shower. I wouldn't be showering to avoid things, I'd just not struggle with remembering to shower. Maybe sex is just the only way I know how to express care to myself.
I think my issues with basic hygiene is mostly that I just don't care. I don't care about taking care about myself because I really don't have much value in myself at all. I don't mean anything to me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and not care. I could contract some deadly illness from not washing my hands enough and just not care. I do, however, masturbate when it isn't too triggering because it's physically painful if I don't. So I don't think I view myself as only good for sex, I think I view sex as the only thing good for me because I really don't see myself good for much anything. I guess if someone only wanted a warm body like my perpetrator did I could do that.