i havent been able to post at all recently cos i just cant talk/think but this thread is really really hitting me hard. its like its saying exactly what i need to get my head around and i just cant understand it.
alex the way you describe shame is exactly how i feel. never would have called it shame though.
and mouse everything you say is articulating the confusing thoughts in my head far clearer than i can manage.
how do we make the decision to trust T enough? how do we get past this? anyone?
i feel like if i dont do this the next time i see her i will have to stop and i cant stop or i dont want to think about what will happen.
how much is it going to hurt? am i going to show her the shame, totally shame myself in front of her and then she doesnt make it any better? or she leaves? or she pushes me so far by speaking the harsh truth to me that i lose it? i can see the truth myself so clearly and it only leads to one final solution where i cant go so i hold on to the hope she can give me another reality, another truth. if she cant what happens? i dont think i can take it. and i dont see how she can give me another reality when i know this reality is real. this horrible one that means i have no life.
oh god. sorry. shutting up now.

mouse and alex please keep talking if you can because it means something very important to me. not that that matters but if it helps you too i would like to keep listening please.
(((((((((mouse))))))))))) ((((((((((alex))))))))))))
thank you both and i really really hope it all gets easier and clearer for you both.