Hi-
I don't know why I'm even posting this... I guess I just want to talk to people and just tell someone, ANYONE, about what I've been going through my entire life in hopes that I'm not alone. I'm an 18-year-old male and over the past couple months I've been searching for answers as to why I do the things I do and how abnormal it really is in comparison to the way other "normal" people act. It's actually quite interesting because up until this year I've never thought myself to have some kind of disorder. I have, however, known for about 6-8 years that some of my internal thought-processes are a little bit... weird?

I diagnosed myself last night with avoidant personality disorder. It is actually quite incredible how perfectly the symptoms match up. I have a family history of mental illness/instability. My mother is bipolar and my brother has many issues of his own. Growing up with a bipolar parent I'm assuming was a living hell. I'm only assuming because I don't remember anything before the age of 10, maybe this is normal and maybe it's not... I just don't know what's "normal" anymore. After I reached 6th grade my real problems started. I would go to school, get treated like *****, come home and get treated like ***** again, and this cycle would continue for several years. Every passing day just seemed to get worse and worse. Once High-School hit, my mom was finally treated for the disease that remained unaddressed for her entire lifetime and my entire childhood. This is when life was a little bit more peaceful and tolerable, and yet I was the most unhappy I'd ever been in my entire life... probably due to the fact that my already existing issues combined with normal teen-angst. High-school passed, and now college. Wow... I just can't seem to get a f*cking break. I can never seem to achieve happiness and acceptance.

Anyways, I previously mentioned that I've known myself to have unusual thought-processes for several years. I'll try to explain them the best I can...

When I encounter groups of people (whether they are friends or strangers), engaging in conversation actually becomes difficult. I have these intense inner-dialogues where I basically just try to think of what the best thing for me to say in the conversation is. My friends will stand there joking around having a good time while I stand there completely mute just trying to think of what to say. When I start saying something and all eyes turn on me, I often stutter and or mispronounce words, making everything I say just not flow well at all. At one point I even thought I might have a speech-impediment. Frequently when this occurs (and even when I speak fluently) I find myself looking intensely for the reactions of other people in order to identify their feelings and opinions of me. I also go off on random tangents during conversation making me feel very awkward as I explain things for some reason.

I also find myself to be a complete wuss. I am extremely submissive and I like to make others happy while neglecting my own needs. People push me around and I do nothing about it.

Another key symptom of APD that I was amazed to see fit me extremely well was the imaginary thought-processes. Frequently (at least 50-100 times per day) I drift off into a fantasy land where I imagine myself without the anxiety problem and I've achieved something unrealistic such as being a professional athlete, being rich with lots of friends and beautiful women, being buff and physically desirable, etc....... I play out these fantasies in my mind and they NEVER stop occurring throughout the day. It's not like it bothers me... i mean... it actually is quite nice to escape my reality through the use of imagination. However, I do know that this is a severe underlying problem which makes me want all this ***** to end ASAP before it is so ingrained in my subconscious that it is too late to "overwrite." People often catch me talking to myself and I sometimes can't remember what I was even saying to myself after I "snap out of it". A lot of my self-dialogues are basically just me thinking to myself what I'm going to say to my friends later today or how I'm going to initiate conversation. My life is simply a struggle for love and acceptance, and yet I cannot get close to people. I don't even remember the last time I've hugged or said "I love you" to my parents. My mother actually often forces me to tell her that I love her and hug her or else I won't be able to go out with friends or something. So actually I guess I do tell my mother I love her, but not on my own terms. However, I genuinely do not remember the last time I've hugged or said "I love you' to my father, that's for sure. It's not that I don't love them... because I do... but the idea of saying "I love you" and or hugging my parents makes me cringe a little bit for whatever reason.

I feel as though I'm being tortured. I often think to myself... "Nobody deserves this... why me???? I have a good heart, I'm not mean to people... so why do I deserve to feel endless despair and emptiness?"

I know this isn't me... my true self is buried deep down somewhere and I must bring it out and lower my social inhibitions. I read in an AvPD FAQ that people with APD will never achieve normality in life and they can "only get so close" to their normal selves. I for one think this is absolute bullsh*t. The human brain is dynamic, and I intend to alter myself in order to achieve complete normalcy.

I must break out of this prison...