hey biiv. nice to see you here :-)
i've been wondering how you are doing.
i hope you are doing okay.
i think i understand what you mean about not being in the place to post sometimes. hope you hang in there and feel up to posting about stuff soon.

((((((biiv))))))

hey mouse. yeah... i guess i read for a couple of reasons. trawling for stuff that is / might be relevant for my work... and trying to make sense of my stuff, yeah. i need to make sense of things. because i never could before. so i need to make sense of things now.

it isn't so very bad. i'm a bit confused. but some time and distance, yeah. i'll probably read those articles again. because my t has read them. i guess i'm unclear on the pain. is the pain a defence against a feeling of shame? is the pain intense shame? if it is about shame then what is the shame about? fear of what he will think of me, sure. but what is behind that? why do i feel ashamed? and about there it gets a bit much for me.

nothing really happened to me, you see. and... i'm simply not that bad. i identify more with the stuff on narcissism / borderline disorders / avoidant / ambivalent attachment than i identify with the stuff on disorganised attachment and response to trauma and so forth. i really don't think... i'm that bad. i really don't think...

i guess it is about looking forward instead of looking back.

i don't know.
i guess i just know i don't want to go that way.
am i in denial?
perhaps.

i guess i just need to take a deep breath and see how it goes...

but i guess i will keep reading... but i'll focus on the stuff i can more readily identify with. or something. i'm sorry.