I think it is like dreams and how they make sense when we are dreaming them but are hard to figure out when we are remembering/thinking about them. I know I lived alone in a downtown City, high-rise apartment building for 13 years, met my husband and married him 5-6 years later and we bought a house and did well except when my husband would go away on a business trip I could not go to sleep at night, sure there were rapists, thieves, murderers, pillagers, and burners outside my house trying to get in? I'd be able to go to sleep around 3-4 a.m., after they had all obviously gone home to bed themselves It wrecked havoc with my job, sometimes I'd take the next day off ahead of time but if he was away for a week, that was not possible for every day and I had to finally figure out other ways to get around the fear, which I didn't want in the first place either.

I think really bizarre, startling thoughts like ours are just to "grab us" so we don't go over some perceived cliff of ours. Maybe you were really too afraid to take the first steps to become an actor, really afraid you could not make it happen but you could not admit that to yourself so yourself came up with the disfigurement thing on the fly to stop you moving forward? But the disfigured thing could related to something else altogether that would get triggered when/if you became an actor but not related to the acting itself, who knows? It is so "not you" that you don't blame yourself, whereas if you did not make it as an actor, you might blame yourself or people close to you that you feel you want/need would be disappointed or angry at you, etc. The mind/body does the best it can with what it has to work for you from the unconscious/physical/animal perspective.

I "fixed" mine a bit by "accepting" it and working with it. My husband usually goes to bed well after I do so I set the house up as if he were in the other room (lights on, maybe TV, etc.) and I would just imagine him "out there" and it was comforting enough to let me get to sleep much earlier; I'd do my normal routine (reading in bed for a bit before turning out the light), wander out into the lit part of the house for a snack, etc., whatever I would do on a night when my husband was home.

I would just accept you have this fear and maybe explore parts or learning about disfigurement as an actor? Look at shows like the Phantom of the Opera and Hunchback of Notre Dame, etc. Watch more horror shows or at least think about them, see if there is something in disfigurement itself that triggers anything in you (rather than acting/pursuing your dream). I know with dreams, if I accept them and work with them, start considering their symbols, etc. I have fewer nightmares, because my mind does not need such an extreme to get my attention, I am paying attention to it and am respectful of it.