Hi, I am male 17 and in grade 12.

I drink a lot and alone. Its not really like i choose to be alone, just all my friends ditched me and i dont have anyone to drink with. Anyways, I am usually pretty decently happy but every now and then i just feel really ****** or angry or mad and the only way I can deal with it is drinking. I dont drink often, but when i do drink, i drink a lot. So in a typical month, I'll probably only drink like 5 or 6 times. But each time I drink about 400ml of whiskey and get really drunk and blackout and cant remember anything.

I want to go to college and am waiting to get accepted. I just got fired from my part time job and have about 400 dollars in my bank account. I owe people about 1000 dollars but i can pay them back anytime, no rush. I am not of age and so I usually have to bother my neighbour for alcohol and alcohol in canada is expensive. I have no income now and little money. I want to save my money and buy some other stuff like music etc. But alcohol is like basically the only way i can get through my life now without it getting worse. And its a huge financial burden.

Whenever i begin to feel bad, i just cant do anything, cant do my homework thats due tommorow worth 15% of final grade for example.

I know it makes sense to just stop drinking because its not good for my health or wallet and makes things worse. But i cant stop because i dont know what else ill do. If i dont drink, my anger and self loathing would probably build up until i hang myself. so its to the point where either i:

1. drink and have poor health and no money but still get through school or,
2. dont drink, save money, have good health, but go crazy, dont pass school, start self harming again, might end my life.

So i dont know what to do

And if your answer is to see a therapist, id actually like to in theory. But in reality, id be to shy to say anything, waste of time, dont want my parents knowing anything is up.

So please help because I just dont know what to do. Thanks!