Welcome, lost&wandering
Do you have a T and/or a Pdoc? (T=therapist, Pdoc=psychiatrist, sometimes I forget there might be other abbreviations out there, but these are the ones you'll see here.) Though I've not done it all that intentionally (probably subconsciously though), I'm personally familiar with doing this. I know --at least for me-- that it is a bad harbinger. Like you say, it makes things easier. But not good things, and that's the problem.

You ARE worthy of love and friendship. Feeling and believing it can be the hard part. I struggle with that also, sometimes acutely so (including oh-so-very recently). Sounds like that's where you're at, yeah? The feeling that you don't know how to change or to stop is why I ask about the T. They really can help with that kind of thing. Are you familiar with CBT? Like you say in your thread title, you're stuck in your head. And in our heads (everybody's heads), we've got "tapes", so to speak. Thoughts that are so automatic we scarcely notice them --consciously anyway --, and the REALLY affect how we perceive things. One of the main things in CBT is learning how to recognize them, what they are saying, and questioning them up against objective reality.

The reason I ask about a Pdoc is that sometimes we need some meds to get us to a functioning enough place to be able to work with these ideas. (I did.) Hope this doesn't sound hokey or anything (I'm not into woowoo or hokey), but can tell you that I had at least one major "AHA!" moment that illuminated SO much that it was a real paradigm shift, and the effects were immediate (and so easy. FUN to implement even(!) )

You'll find there are so many people here who can really relate to what you are going through It's good to not feel so alone.