why? Ok so T is away this week...I have no therapy...this time I feel on a daily basis that something is missing...I'm irritable when around other people because its just a reminder that they "are not her"!...maybe this is how it was as a baby when given to another mother....it reminds me even more that she/they are not the one I am mourning...I guess we can only mourne those that "we" care about? ...what does a healthy caring relationship entail? to me caring means loss and rejection and pain and confusion.....should I ask T whether she cares about me?...but what is her idea of "care"?...I want to isolate because then I don't have to feel that cold alien feeling whenever I look into a strangers face....I don't like strangers...I only want to be around people I care about.....I feel like my lifeblood is draining out of me everytime I think of the absence of T..I miss that something we have in our room..that feeling of care/warmth/regard/safety/selfworth...what if she isn't even aware of me while shes not here?...this time I am allowing myself as so slightly to imagine her existing even though I am not there....before she only existed if I oculd see her...shes out there somewhere I Know...but the distance between is to far for me to bridge just yet....I need to be close enought to hold my end of the rope...I can't when I don't see her...I feel like I've dropped my end of the rope and am sitting on the shore with my knees up and my head buried in my knees feeling the loss adn the tide is going futher and futher out...it is..it is...it is...