I want to share life with them, then ridding my life of them for the most part.

Living with panic was one of the most confusing, excruciating times in my life. I was to the point I couldn't go anywhere. Once I went to the ER for a migraine and panic caused me to pull the IV out of my arm and leave...total, complete panic. They almost sent the law looking for me because I was medicated. They were so sweet when I called them from home, though. I remember walking to my car from the ER and my hand where I'd pulled the IV out looked like someone had placed a pyramid object under my skin...a big one. I lived with total, complete panic. I explained to them what sent me into the panic and they were very angry at the nurse. They said that would've scared anyone, let alone someone who suffers panic.

The biggest thing for me was my breathing. I hyperventilated at a low level, always feeling starved for oxygen. It led to pain, tingling, etc. It was so scary. Of course, after a while of hyperventilating, the other symptoms occured, tingling, pain, tight chest, etc.

Sometimes I would have a "clue" that one was coming...lights would get "weird" on me. If I was out and lights felt weird, I knew I needed to leave and quickly until I could get some medicine in me. Another clue for me was a very strange one...I would feel like I wasn't completely dressed. You know that dream where you're in public naked? It was similar to that. It's weird, yes I know. A t and a p'doc just looked at me and said, "hmm". No offer as to reason...LOL. It would happen as I was going in somewhere different (store, friends, unfamiliar surroundings). I would go over myself to make sure completely dressed, but then when I did my own mind didn't believe me! To combat this, I put a list in my purse of clothing and I would check off the list. I was able to by-pass that fear then...see it in black and white and put it away.

Needless to say from the descriptions above, I had horrible panic for about three years. I was medicated to the hilt. I wanted to take my xanax as needed. My p'doc wanted me to take (on top of several other things) xanax three times a day to "trick my brain" into not having what it was regularly set at the time to do. I trusted him enough to do that and I noticed that I wasn't having nearly the panic. By keeping it in my system all the time, it prevented it from happening over half the time. He was right; we were tricking my brain.

After a little bit and I didn't live in constant fear of panic attacks, I began biofeedback therapy. I had to feel safe enough to do this or it wouldn't have worked I think. Part of the biofeedback was looking at what frightened me the most...my breathing...then learning skills. Well, up to that if I even thought about breathing...panic! However, I knew in my mind that if I did panic, I was able to get control with meds so the work began.

In biofeedback, the specialist showed through fact (computer reading of my bodily reactions) what caused my anxiety/panic and what helped it. He said at the end of our time he would be able to create a full-fledged panic attack for me, then will have showed me the skills to turn it around on my own. I thought he was so full of it. Um, I was wrong.

Anyhow, he would hook me up to stuff that measured my muscle tension, heartrate, etc. When he did the first time, I was off the charts over the top. He pointed that out to me. Of course, it didn't surprise me.

He had me to count backwork from 100 by 7's. I did. He asked a second time. I did, then he had me look at the screen. I'd come DRASTICALLY down and hadn't even noticed that I was feeling better inside but I was. Way cool! He said that showed that intellectual stimulation was a good tool in fighting my panic. It made sense. I'd remembered when I was pregnant. I'd hyperventilated for three months straight. It was horrible. The only times I was free of it was when I would sit and write...words of songs, something that made me think but not too much. Yep, it made sense. It seemed, without knowing, my mind was already doing what it knew helped me feel better. Of course, I couldn't sit and write songs all the time.

Wow, this is getting long...sorry.

Anyhow, we then tackled my breathing and hyperventilation...always feeling starved for air and panic for not being able to get it. He explained to me why (black and white) physically that was happening. He explained that I was breathing off the top of my lungs due to anxiety; the bottom part of lungs not getting enough and feeling starved. Bottom part feeling starved always needing a deep, cleansing breath, but top part having way too much. The top part was telling brain...no more. That's why it felt as if my lungs wouldn't expand to take that "cleansing breath". It made so much sense. Ok, that's what caused it. How do we help it? The answer was SCARY.

If I was feeling starved for that cleansing breath and couldn't get it, I was to blow out ALL the air in my lungs a couple of times then attempt to get that cleasing breath. It worked! Every time I started at home I would do that. I worked. Pretty soon I felt control over the panic because my breathing felt under control. After about six months, I was no longer having panic and off all meds. I kept the meds around for the occasional panic attack that came on so quickly that I didn't have time to do what I needed.

I might have panic once a year now.

It can get better. Again, what helped me was knowing what got me there (why my body was doing what it was with black and white evidence and answers to what anxiety was doing to body) and what I could do to bring myself back. Then practice it alot to retrain my mind. Of course, I had to have help medically with meds to feel safe enough to even focus on any of that as I needed to.

Best to you. I know what you're going through and it's so difficult.

KD