I'm gonna take a chance here and share some pretty personal stuff. But its the only way I know to answer your question as far as myself is concerned. This will be long.....here goes.

I too was raised Catholic. I had to go to church with my parents, I took communion and all that. But I never "felt" it. It was too depressing for me. Hell-fire and sins and all that. I had to go to catacism school and learn all the stuff that would send me to hell. And it was so structured! I liked the outfit I got to wear for first communtion though, haha.

I just never caught on to it. Never believed because I couldn't. I couldn't believe that book written by man showed to proof of a god. As I grew up, I tried to find something to have faith in. I even studied Wicca. But even that was too structured, and there were people telling me what to believe. I became more of a pagan, turning my spirituality to nature, feeling at home and peacefull near trees, looking at the moon for comfort. But it still wasn't something I could put my faith into.

As you know, I became a very heavy drinker in my 20's. I used to hang out in the chat room here drunk. Alcohol became all I cared about. If I couldn't drink, I was miserable. I could go into the things to that happened to me when I drank....but you'd have to censor it. Lets just say is was pure misery. I only went out if I had money to buy booze, or there were people there who could buy it for me. I drove my car. I don't know how I never killed anyone. Never got a DUI. I slept around. I don't know how I never pregnant, never got a disease. I couldn't keep jobs. Don't know how I always had a place to live. I never had to sleep on the street.

One night, I was drinking heavily with a friend and the thought just crossed my mind that I should stop. The next day I did. I started going to meetings to quit drinking, and have been sober since April 24, 2005.

Now...I was talking to someone in that first week sober as I trembled, detoxing, not sleeping, not eating, but alas not drinking....and I was telling him about how I just suddenly decided to quit drinking. No one had told me I had a problem with alcohol. As I stated above, I hadn't killed anyone, hadn't gotten caught by the law etc. YET. It was that day that I realized someone or something put that thought in my head, the idea to quit drinking was put in my head while I was at a bar and someone was buying all my booze.

In my journey of staying sober, I have found that it is so much easier to turn everything over to something bigger. When I ran the show, my life was pure misery. My new friends all had a higher power, but here was what I loved. They all had their OWN conception of what a higher power for them was!!! No one was preaching, telling me I had to believe in this god or that god and this devil and that hell and yadayadayada. I realized that I could have whatever faith I wanted. No one was telling me what I had to believe in. So I just started to believe. I had to! My proof was myself!!!

I looked back over my life, all my near misses, how I was always taken care of through my irresponsibility. I was still alive. I used to the think the next turn of the road was my death. I used to think I'd never live to see 30. (2 years to go!!!)

That is my proof that SOMETHING exists. That I'm alive. That my friends are alive. I see proof every day that there's some guiding force, because I know I alone can't accomplish everything. I know when I have a problem and I turn it over, somehow it gets answered....

Now I don't know what it is that I believe in, here's where I agree with you. I have to proof of actually what it is, and won't until I die, and maybe not even then. Some days I believe my faith is merely my conscience, the part of me that knows right from wrong. Other days I don't think even I know the answer, so I "put it out in the universe". I say god because thats a universal word for a higher power, but I have no proof that it's god or a light source or a field of energy or my conscience......But I turn it over anyway, when I want to drink, I turn it over, and the obsession is lifted. When I'm sad, I do the same. When I apply for a job, once I've turned in that resume, its out of my hands. What takes care of it now? I don't know, but I believe that whatever happens will happen because that is what is supposed to happen for my life.

So....how can I believe? Because I am proof for myself. What do I believe in? I don't know, because there's no proof......I just believe. I know anytime I talk about spirituality for myself that its a bit confusing, but thats my story, LOL!!!!

All I know is that since coming into this faith, which is spiritual, NOT in anyway religious, I am so much more calm. I am so much happier. And life is so much easier when I can say ok god (or whatever my higher power is), I don't know what to do here, you take it!!!! The burden is now off my shoulder. Its spiritual and I can meditate anytime I want to, anywhere, I can just think, I need help with this.....or Wow I am so greatful right now.......I don't worship, I just talk.....and its so comforting.

And thats how it is for me. =)

~Rayna