I've always been a cynical person, sometimes even described as funny and sarcastic. Well, it's always been fake. I don't have a sense of humor, I hate myself in ways I cannot describe, I am anxious, I know people must hate me for who I am. They know! It's not a fun life. No friends left, never a relationship, always being obsessed what other people think about me. And probably negative. I didn't know this was a disorder until I was diagnosed with it last November.

I hate it! I'm depressed, not normal. I don't know if I can live a normal life. I don't want to accept this, don't want people to know. But it's for real.

Why??? What can I do? What do people do? I don't want to live my life with this disorder. It's pure loneliness. Loneliness as a chronic disease.

Can I fight this? How? How do I explain this to people? Can I ever have relationships?

So many questions, how do people cope with this?

Should I get spiritual? I'm serious with this. I know it can help people. I'm so desperate. I'm so scared.

I don't want this life.