((thickntired)),

If you do have ADHD, then that is something people are born with and it is hereditary. The problem with it is that because it runs in families, so does the dysfunction that it can present. It is not that people who have/struggle with ADHD are bad people either, they just have this constant challenge and what has happened is that because there was so little understood about it in the past, the way the people who struggled with it were treated or were challenged often only made it much harder for them.

It could very well be that your husband may have it too, you mentioned that he also drinks and smokes, those are the go to's that many people who struggle use to try to fill that void or inability to just slow down and manage a challenge they do not understand themselves.

My older brother had ADHD and at that time nothing was known about it, children that struggled with it were considered discipline problems and were often constantly punished making it even worse. It is not unusual for a father to also have it too, and the combination of father and son having it often doesn't mesh well and the father can end up doing more harm than good, that was happened in my home growing up.

I honestly didn't know what "binge alcoholism" meant when I married my husband either. My father was the same way, he was very intelligent and functional and drinking on the weekends until the bottle was empty and passing out on the couch in front of the TV was typical. However, my father was often controlling and on the grouchy side during the week. Like my husband, he was hardly ever home, constantly involved with other things leaving my mother alone with three children and a little boy who was such a handful, constantly running away and getting out and my mother was always roaming the neighborhood frantically looking for him.

I am sure that my older brother struggles with PTSD, I do know that he ended up having therapy for a long time. I have not seen him in many years. He didn't use alcohol, he fills his void with food. However, even though he struggled so much, he did manage to do well and his work meant traveling and being in constant motion.

Having ADHD doesn't mean the person is not intelligent either, actually some of them become extremely successful, even wealthy. Many of them are very involved with sports and other things where they can expel the energy that ADHD presents.

When I say "knowledge" can make such a difference, I say that because it isn't just about addressing some things in your past that traumatized you that can lead you to feeling "shame or that you are unworthy in some way". Instead if you can understand "why" some things were so hard for you, then you can grieve them and yet also have a better understanding of how things took place not because it was "evil" in some way, but simply because of how different people just "struggled" not knowing how to manage it or what it really meant.

I grew up with people that struggled with it, and I married a man that had it, and all my life there was always that "unknown, or fear that even with all my effort to try to forgive or support of trust, my husband could destroy whatever I did do that was positive or productive". That is how "all" of my childhood was too.

I did my best to try to understand it all, but it would have been so much better had I had the right information so I could understand it even better. I pretty much raised my daughter on my own, a daughter that had dyslexia, which my husband also has too aside from the ADHD. At one point I sat with a family/marriage counselor that told me that I was married to a man that only had the maturity level of around age 12 or 13, so I basically had "two children" to deal with.

I ended up building up a business that was a very productive way of promoting so many positive things. My intention was to develop a "passion" that provided rewards instead of my husband and daughter turning towards an escape that as you know ends up being terminal as well as a path that only leads to misery and loss. This "ADHD" energy "can" be channeled in a healthy direction. I know this because I produced that way that gave that opportunity to take place.

Unfortunately for me, that was so badly destroyed by a very careless neighbor. It was so much damage and I found my husband overwhelmed and wandering in the woods crying, my daughter was also very overwhelmed and I had no idea how I could possibly fix all that was taken and damaged.

The years of all the stress and all the work that went into what I had managed to create broke me down completely. These living things that all went into this healthy atmosphere were all damaged in so many ways, it was not just "things" it was living things that I loved so much. I ended up in a psych ward and no matter how I tried to explain how bad it was, how much I needed this presence to help me grieve it and figure out what to do about all that was so broken and unfixable, well, that presence was definitely not there, in fact, instead I was misdiagnosed and in a scenario that only made me even worse.

It didn't get any better in outpatient treatment either. Eventually, it got so bad that I began to feel that there would be no way "anyone" would understand the magnitude of what was destroyed and how it all fit together and what it all meant to me. And that wasn't even something my husband and daughter was capable of seeing either.

Luckily, I finally found a therapist who would "listen". I remember telling him that I would be telling him things that he had to believe, because if he didn't, then it would be a waste of time for both of us. In the beginning just as it is with many who suffer with PTSD, especially when it becomes "complex", the patient is always very desperate and tends to have so many things that want to come out all at once. So believe me, I know what you are talking about when you say how "challenging" that is, it is emotionally and physically challenging, and it is also exhausting. And if you are anything like me, you will need someone who can remain "calm" and "listen" and not interrupt you, talk over you, or be a person you are in anyway uncomfortable with that you think may not believe you or misjudge you in some way.

It took me a long time to get it all out, it was not easy at all. Although now that I look back, it would have been easier had I been able to "better identify" the individuals that had abused me better. As I use the word "abuse" I am not sure that's the right way to describe these people tbh, maybe it's just better to say there were several people that themselves struggled and that hurt me and challenged me in many ways in my life. So much so that I became a person that was often "very misunderstood" which often made the ongoing challenge "even more difficult".

When I say "knowledge makes all the difference in the world", it really "does'. Whatever is in your past that somehow "hurt you" doesn't mean you need to be ashamed or even that you need to continue hurting either. Whatever you did was something you did that you felt would somehow "help you deal better", that doesn't mean you are a failure or are doomed either. It is just "time" for you to finally understand it all better, learn what it means, and be allowed to "grieve whatever it was that hurt you with validation", and then work on better ways to slowly manage your life better with a better understanding instead of having to feel you have to hide it all by yourself somehow.

It isn't about being a huge big book believer either. That is only a tool that AA people use, but that is not "all of what AA provides". Part of what AA provides is "others who struggle too, who understand the journey, who support each other and provide a sense of forgiveness and direction, as well as a place to go where you can be with others who understand the challenge and work together to be a support system that works better than being alone with a bottle that only prevents "growth and slowly learning to finally grow into life and live life verses trying to escape it".

If you look at my avatar, underneath it says "one day at a time". Well, I am not or never was an alcoholic, but I have learned from them that it really "is" one day at a time, and doing your best just one day at a time too. Well, I know all about the bad days, I have endured many of them myself. However, if you build a good support system, you will not truly be alone. It takes some effort, but you "can" learn to create a healthier support system. You can come here and vent and talk, you can spend time with your T, go to meetings and keep chipping away at it "one day at a time" and you actually "can" make progress. You actually "can" learn and gain knowledge that will provide you with slowly gaining a sense of empowerment.

(((Big supportive Hugs)))
OE