thanks so much alex.
wish i knew if it was shame too and if so why i feel ashamed too because nothing really happened to me either and maybe im not that bad. i just sometimes feel like im bad. like my feelings are bad. i dont know why. and i get to the point of asking what is it that i feel thats so bad and thats where it gets too much for me too. dropping me off the edge of the cliff too much. like now. im so lost right now and that pain is there so much. i cant think with it. its there through everything i do so everything hurts right now from breathing to talking to thinking.
i should never have gone near finding out what my feelings are. and now i cant see my T for over two weeks and im so adrift i dont even know if thats good or bad or if i feel relieved or disappointed. i do know i feel abandoned even though it was me that said i couldnt go next week because i have lectures.
cant say any more.
did you mean you dont want to go forward or go back alex? i wonder maybe im in denial too. how do we decide whether our reality is real or if theres another reality out there thats more real? is it a choice regarding what reality we choose to focus on? is there no such thing as objective reality? if so perhaps it would be easier for us to focus on a reality that gives us peace but then perhaps that wouldnt fit with the objective reality if there is one? or the generally accepted reality which there seems to be. and if thats the case... are we destined always to be alone in our pleasant reality which would make it painfully lonely and no longer pleasant? and which might run the risk of hurting others because we cant understand their reality? what do you think? dont know if any of this can be followed or is worth following. am really struggling with mad thoughts like this right now. its not good. its very hard to stay with life when you re thinking and feeling like this.
guess i ll take a deep breath too.