This is what is holding me back, constant worry and fear of the worst case scenarios of my future, which leaves me depressed, and feeling like "why bother, because ..... will happen to me."

I have been able to identify these sources of my fear:

1) People will find out I spent time in a psychiatric day program. My "worst case scenario" is that, if people find this out about me, they will reject me in the most profound manner, such as "stay away from me or I will call the police" or "leave and never come back".

2) Loss of control and autonomy of my own life. My "worst case scenario" is that I will be declared legally incompetent, lose financial and personal control, and end up at the mercy of a guardian and conservator, who can do whatever they want to me, such as stick me in some hellhole of a facility.

3) Loss of career and ability to work due to discrimination. I am very real world functional, no problems whatsoever (well, OK, I like to goof off on the internet at work, or talk with the secretary from the next office, that kind of thing, but who doesn't). My "worst case scenario" here is that my employer will find out I spent time in the day hospital and fire me, and that I will never get any other job in my field. In fact, I fear that NO ONE would ever hire me, even for menial labor.

4) Loss of assets. I fear that I would have to use all of my savings to survive as long as I could, and end up bankrupt.

5) Loss of home. Ditto, I am afraid that I will end up homeless and die on the streets.

It has been 17 months since my day hospital experience. None of those things have happened, they are pretty unlikely to happen.

In fact, some things have gone the opposite way. I have told a few, select people in my life what I went through, and they didn't reject me, they embraced me and understood and have helped me with support and kindness.

And, one of those people is my boss -- he has been great to me in every way.

It's funny, the day I was diagnosed by the psychiatrist and sent to the day hospital program, I made an assumption that ... the above things are what happened to ALL people with serious mental illness, that it was just automatic. As a result, I have felt so lost for the last 17 months, like it was impossible to escape that fate. And, in the past few months, it has had me despondent, questioning if I wanted to live or kill myself.

It seems to have come to a head the last few days -- I have really been deep in thought about this. I realized that I do not want to die, I want to live, a real life, the kind of life I deserved and never was allowed to have. I think I will have to work very hard to turn off the negative messages in my head, and the way that I catastrophize every little thing. That will be tough, but I know people can do that.