Hello - I'm not diagnosed with Bpd (as far as I know - I've never asked my T) but I've suspected I could have this disorder for the past 14 years of my life....I am really struggling with positive feelings right now. I know that sounds weird but I'm feeling ok today for no reason and just a hand full of days ago I was so depressed I was having lots of suicidal ideations. I get really anxious when I feel ok - to the point of obsessing about it like I am right now /:

I just don't understand how I can go from feeling like I want to die and not being able to imagine anything will ever get better to feeling fine and having a hard time imagining things will ever feel bad again. It makes me so nervous like waiting for the other shoe to drop, if you will......what scares me is when things get bad, seems like they get just as bad or maybe a little worse even each time. I had a knife in my hand on Christmas Eve thinking about ending it but I was too afraid and would never do that to my child - to find his mother dead Christmas morning. Unthinkable and horrific. That I even thought about it makes me sick to my stomach.

This back and forth, up and down, makes me not trust myself or my feelings. I start feeling on the edge of super crazy and I see my t on Thursday and so afraid because I don't want to talk. Talk about what, you know? That things are seriously just fine and dandy now? I don't know why I'm like this. I fit all the criteria for bpd but I know self-diagnosis is just that....self-diagnosis. I haven't seriously cut myself in several years now but I struggle with urges to do so when things are bad. Sometimes I think I'm just incredibly self-absorbed.

Thanks for listening....