I just learned that I owe 89 dollars on my cable bill. A sweet automated voice informed me of this. And they waited until the middle of the month, when I was dead broke save for food money to do it.

My cable bill can now only be accessed on-line and I lost the password.

If they had called two weeks ago,I would have had money to give them that would have paid this bill off almost entirely. As it is, I have nothing and will have to find $89 to chop out of next month's tight budget.

I thought everything was up to date. Unfortunately, it's been a little difficult to leave the apartment to do these things. Sitting in my wheelchair is about as enjoyable as a trip to the dentist, never mind going anywhere in it, like getting groceries and the like. The rent and paying bills gets put off for days, when I used to do everything in one day.

I owe a busload of money for the ambulance too, some of the bills are months old. It can easily be fixed with a ride to the welfare office, but such a ride is now torture to me. I would not do it even if my life depended on it. The pain is too much.

Getting groceries is pointless because eating has become pointless. I'm in too much pain to want to cook anything and what I eat really doesn't seem to matter. I get infections anyway and my diet was none too good to begin with, because of my income.

If I was strong and ate the pain, I could do all this. But I'm sunk. I'm going to end up in a home soon if something isn't done about this. Not that anyone within a hundred miles cares.

I really don't need cable anymore anyway. All I do is sit around, write e-mails on how disgusting my life is and pray to be healed. That's all I do any more, nothing else. The pain has taken over everything. My life ended months ago.

I'm going to tell those morons at the cable company to disconnect me and they'll get their money soon, over a couple of months. The money I save will go to buying frozen meals from Meals on Wheels (I have to pay up here), meals that I can no longer prepare because I don't have the guts for it. I have two working hands, I should be able to manage, why can't I? Because I'm stupid and incompetant, that's why. And I was too stupid to leave middle class luxury the minute surgery to remove my hip was mentioned. Even with my father yelling at me. That's how stupid I am.

I'd really like to rant and rave, but it would trigger a lot of people.

That's all I can do: rant and rave and it will amount to nothing.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.