Absolutely made sense. Thank you thank you I have never been able to say this to anybody ever before.

I tried taking my mind off of it but when it's bad I end up doing those things you mentioned, tv shows, holiday retreats in bed, running away in long stretch hours that my responsibilities are aren't being taken care of.

A year and a half ago, after many many months of being a depressive recluse in my house taken care of by my girlfriend I managed to calm this storm and it's the most amazing thing ever. Like seriously. When its slow and I can catch the things flying about, I get these brilliant ideas and realisations of the world. People don't scare me, they loved me even and I feel like a force of something great.

I wanna be like that again. But the world, my world is going crappy it sucks. I can't 'see' anymore. It's cloudy again. Effing hell. I certainly can't have a year hiatus again to regain my focus like I did before. I'm still with my partner and that would take a toll on her. I can't shake off this feeling that the storm is meant to be there, why else would I have had it since forever ? I can numb it down with the pills but I can focus and be a master of it. I prefer the latter. But if I can, I'd wanna do it without wearing down in a cave and being dependent on the people around me like they don't have better things to do.

Love your idea of stimulating the senses. It definitely works and what a coincidence it is that I always prefer buying clothes with soft fabrics. I was always particular with that. I had a few months stint of being addicted to pot in the effort of 'stimulating' the senses during a less fortunate time of my life. People say its bad though and I've been clean for 4 months now I think. I ended up writing an essay sorry. Thanks