First of all, I'm very sorry if I seem unappreciative for past support. I know you mean well, and your advice probably works well for other people. It's just not working for me.

The thing is, it's not okay for me to make mistakes, because when I make mistakes, people in my life are very cruel and unforgiving about them. Whenever I make a mistake, people take it as an invitation to treat me badly, and I can't complain because I deserve it.

They make it very clear that if I don't perform perfectly all the time, then I'm not good enough to exist in their world. It's a horrible feeling, knowing that I have to accept being rejected and ridiculed and dehumanized, and none of it would be happening if I had just been a better person -- if I had just tried harder to do or be what they wanted.

So when someone tries to tell me that everyone makes mistakes, I can't really believe it. If everyone made mistakes, then why are they being so cruel to me about mine? Why does my life feel like a cruel game that is rigged for me to always lose?

And I don't learn. I keep failing and losing and giving them more sanctions to hurt me. And when I start crying, they tell me I should be ashamed of myself for getting worked up over nothing and I should be grateful I don't have real problems.

I'm sorry. I wish I could believe your kind words. I wish I could believe I deserved kindness. The way I understand it, though, is that kindness has limited supplies, and I'll admit there are tons more people who deserve kindness more than me.

Maybe I'll shape up someday.