Okay. For those of you who do not follow me, I have a lot of therapists right now. I have been seeing my trauma T since mid-October. At first, we weren’t doing trauma work and we were instead doing DBT. As things progressed, T decided that I needed to do trauma work. She waited until I got into a DBT group before starting the process because she wanted to make sure I was getting that kind of support while confronting my trauma. The trouble is that have literally no attachment to her. If she were to call me or email me and terminate me right now, I wouldn’t actually care and I’m not just saying that as a defense. I’m not able to really open up and talk about my feelings and trauma T describes me as basically completely stoic. And if anyone has read my posts, I don’t think “stoic” would be a way to describe them haha.

I told LCM (my other T just to make things simple) that I was struggling talking about my feelings with this T in an email I wrote to LCM while feeling really lost and struggling with another unrelated situation regarding my living situation. LCM said she was really sad to hear about my problems and she called me. She asked me about my ability to be open about my feelings with TT. LCM said that maybe I just don’t respond well to TT’s methods and I need someone else. I said that the problem isn’t TT, it’s me. I have a really hard time opening up to people and that isn’t TT’s fault at all. I just can’t talk about my feelings with anyone at first. I feel comfortable enough to force myself to talk about unpleasant things, but not in an emotional way at all. I just report what happened and state how my life is going. She said that a good T should be able to make a client feel comfortable enough to talk about their feelings, she was able to make me feel comfortable, and that I’m blaming myself too much. I told her that the only reason that she was able to make me feel safe enough to be open was because we met while I was extremely vulnerable and then I saw her in a residential setting which expedited the process. It took me two years to be able to even admit to having feelings with my old T. LCM said that I could be right, but I also need to remember that my old T is an intern and that I’m still taking on too much blame and that she worries that I just blame myself for everything.

Now, I know that most people on here are at least a little bit uncomfortable with my relationship to LCM. That’s fine, but I trust her as much as I can trust anyone and I love her. I mean who else do I have in my real life to turn to? But all of that aside, does she have a point? Is the fact that I don’t have any attachment to TT and that I’m not able to talk about my feelings with her my fault or hers? I don’t know if she’s right to say that maybe I should try finding a different person to work with. I think it’s too early for me to tell that and if it is a problem with me, then I should change. LCM just worries that I won’t be able to do effective trauma work if I can’t talk about my feelings which is true. I don’t know. I'm confused.