I introduced myself back in September, but things seemed to be going better so I didn't end up posting... Until now.

Background, I'm a university graduate, end of my twenties, in a strong relationship with good friends and family. I am employed and have been steadily since graduating.

I have a bi-polar parent, the other has dealt with social anxiety and the anxiety is ever-present in some of my siblings as well.

Now, what's wrong with me? I've always been a bit anxious since I was young, afraid of failing, not being able to perform etc. I quit certain sports, I changed university majors from engineering to general science, until finally settling on an undergrad in psychology. I was never a spectacular student, but I never failed a course and was always on or a bit above the average. I always made these changes because I had always felt I wasn't good enough. Take engineering for example, I couldn't imagine myself being responsible for building a bridge or signing off on air planes that would carry hundreds of people. I stopped pursuing coursework to get into veterinarian school because I thought I was too clumsy and that I would hurt the animals. So I completed my psych degree and started working.

Here's where those past decisions caught up with me. I started my career in sales, but was always looking elsewhere because it never felt like my calling. My bosses kept pushing me to be a team leader and move up, but again I didn't feel motivated and thought I was lazy and not good enough. I eventually went for a stint in business analysis with the company, which was the worst thing I think I could have done. I thought it would be a good challenge and a way to push myself. My project manager and team leader loved me for some reason, but I felt lost and unproductive most of the time, I wouldn't be able to properly deliver on things yet they just kept telling me great work. I'd have days where I'd come in to work and stare at my screen almost ready to cry cause I didn't know where to start or what to do.

Fast forward to now, I left that company for another opportunity as a junior analyst in a corporate function and I have been in that job for 3-years. Again I am not happy and again, I have bosses telling me I am great, but I still have trouble meeting objectives and getting things done. I still have days where I come in and pretty much spin my tires just trying to focus or figure stuff out when everyone around me just seems to be living and breathing the work. Needless to say I want out of this job, it pays me very well >$70K, but it has taken a toll on me.

Why am I like this? Why do I feel like I can't focus or complete things? I mean in school I could slap together presentations, write papers in a night's work, now I find a simple presentation can take me forever to finish. Where did my focus go? Why do superiors like me so much and want to see me succeed when I always feel like I am failing miserably? The sad thing is, I felt like I was challenging myself by taking on the new jobs, but now feel as though I have been burned and just want to go back to doing something easy.

I mean people talk about lazy workers and how bad they are and they don't care and are incosiderate... I feel lazy and unmotivated, but I also feel terrible about it and can't seem to figure out how to break the cycle. I'm tired of feeling like I am putting on a fake front all the time, I want to be true to myself and others and be all that I can be, but it hasn't happened and I'm 6 years in.

Part of why I think superiors have been so happy with me is that even though I get anxious as anything when it comes to meetings, leading conversations etc. etc. I am a very good speaker and a very good facilitator. I'm good at explaining things to people verbally and I am good at getting people to gain consensus. My indirect managers (director and above) really only see me in this aspect, henceforth the reason they may think I am good, what my direct managers see in me I don't know. I make mistakes in my analysis, take a long time to do simple things, and feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants because I am always procrastinating due to my lack of motivation and inability to concentrate. IT EMBARASSES ME to be like this and there is nothing more in the world that I want then to be a hard intelligent worker.

I took a leave last year because the anxiety and depression built up enough that I was not sleeping and starting the day with huge panic attacks. I was treated with cognitive behavioral therapy, which helped me change my thoughts and improve certain aspects of my thinking. I also began taking SAMe which has helped tremendously in terms of calming me down and getting me to focus. That being said, since just before Christmas I have started having the old feelings coming back and now after feeling like I worked so hard to move ahead, I'm exasperated by the prospect of falling back down again. I'm open with my wife and immediate family about how I feel and based on family history they are very understanding.

I'm torn by mixed emotions, sometimes I just want to find my life's passions, other times I just feel like getting a simple job and coasting through life. My wife and I want kids and a house and I feel I need to get these thoughts in order before that can happen.

I feel like I'd be ready to take those risks I was scared to take in university, but now with more responsibilities, the risk of going back to school and not having money is overwhelming! So I guess my risk tolerance is still pretty low lol!

Anyways, I feel as if I am on a tight rope, I'm a fraud and at any second everything will come crashing down on me. I know this isn't normal and I want to get to the bottom of all these issues once and for all.

I have many many interests and that is part of my problem too, I can't focus on one thing to the point that I become an expert, I need novelty. I've never really set goals, I've just kind of taken what life has given me. I seem to be very apathetic and just accepting of the things around me good or bad.

That being said, I know I am good at talking with people and helping people realize things because I can see things from an unbiased position and break them down. I'm also very good at enduring ****** situations or dealing with long strenuous activities. I won't quit certain things and I'll keep plugging away at them way past the point of the average person, but often times these things aren't at my work, they're situation in my personal life LOL.

I took some personality tests out of general interest and came up as an INFP, which explained me pretty well and struck fear in me based on the fact that INFP's seem to be the most likely to commit suicide and are the lowest earners. It scares me because questions on the meaning of life and why am I here have been coming up. I'd never kill myself, but it bothers me that these questions are coming up.

Sorry for all the writing, but I think I covered my bases. Any thoughts or insights.