i don't know where to post this, since i'm technically depressed but am technically bipolar. i don't suppose it matters that much and if it does, i'm pretty apathetic about the subject right now. i'm not sure what my problem is but i'm feeling pretty down. i used to write about this stuff in my journal-- but too many people who don't understand read my online journal and my paper journal is just too much work (i type faster than i write and my mind is running too fast right now)... not that i'm looking for understanding, but just a safe place to talk.

i was feeling so good for a little while. then tonight.. well... tonight isn't a good night, i guess.

i wondered how much ambien one had to take to overdose and not wake up. but it's probably not one of those kinds of pills. i wondered if i could pair it with the xanax i have, and then i wouldn't wake up. i think about suicide a lot. i think about death and dying a lot. i'm never sad when someone dies... i'm just jealous that someone got off this rock, and angry that i'm still stuck here. i could look up a lethal dose of ambien and xanax, but i think that might make the idea too real for me, so i'm resisting the urge, and just trying to wait it out. if i can just make it to tomorrow, maybe something good will happen. maybe i'll feel better. i don't know why i'm waiting. i wonder what it is inside me that still finds some small will to live when the rest of me couldn't give a rat's *** about seeing another day. why do people keep living? why doesn't everyone just off themselves? what keeps some people alive and others on the brink of suicide all the time?

i never thought the term "tortured soul" applied to me until a year or so ago. i feel like it's the perfect description now, however. my soul is tortured with this bipolarity-- tortured with good days and highest highs snatched away and replaced with the darkest sadness i could ever imagine. tortured with knowing that "normal" people don't suffer like this. "normal" people can "snap out of it" and get on with their lives. "normal" people don't obsess over death.

why do i want to die? i can't really put my finger on one specific reason. it's everything. i just hate who i am and what i am. furthermore, we're all going to die eventually. what's the big deal if i just skip to the end now? what's it matter if i'm gone? the end result is the same: i'm going to die now or later... why not save the trouble of this tortured miserable existence and just cut to the chase?

it's worse, now that i'm at my parents' house. i can't possibly explain to them that i want to die. that it's nothing they've ever done to me, they've been nothing short of wonderful. i've been very lucky in that respect. it's me. it's these chemicals in my brain that are all out of whack, and it feels like they're far more in control of me than i will ever be. i wish i could explain to them that i'm chemically imbalanced. i don't know how to tell them. but now that i'm here, i feel like i'm trapped in a cage that's far too small and with sharp edges closing in on me. i don't know how long i'm here for, so i can't find a shrink or T, and i couldn't afford one anyway... i told myself i'd wait till i had a job and insurance. which should only be a few weeks... but i realise that a few weeks can be an eternity when one is entertaining the idea of suicide. i realise it all too well.

stupid little things get to me... when a friend signs off msn without saying goodbye. or when i try to talk to my father and he just says "mmm hmmm" without really listening. when i don't get email. when i think that no matter when i die, i'll likely die alone.. i'm not afraid of death. i'm afraid of loneliness. and i'm always so very lonely.

i took a regular dose of xanax and ambien so that maybe it'll knock me out and i'll sleep through the night. i hate when i'm so worked up that i wake up every hour on the hour, ponder how much i hate myself and life, and then might fall back to sleep for another hour. if i could just wake up tomorrow... survive one more day... maybe i'll find that reason to stay here. maybe i'll find that reason to stick around...