:It is definitely normal I personally can definitely relate to the thoughts of 'it's not that bad' and 'I'm in control of this. It's ok'. It can be extremely hard to come to the realisation that may not be true.

For me, I have found it best to try and not compare myself to others. Even if your experiences and actions now are not the same as others they are obviously having a strong impact on you. Your actions may not be the way others try to cope but try not to be embarrassed. They may not be the healthiest ways to cope but they have helped you in some way. They have been the best way you have found to manage those thoughts. And the doctors are there to help. The best way they can help is for you to be as honest as you can be with them.

All I can suggest is take it slow. It is fantastic that you love life. It is a great start to working through why you sometimes have those thoughts and feelings. Work with your doctors and try not to over-analyse it all. Slowly, in time, you can get control back over the thoughts.

And please continue to post too. Sometimes just being able to talk to people who have been through something similar can help.